Terri Schiavo is no more

Well, the soap opera is finally over. No more arguing, no more midnight vigils, no more last-minute Hail Mary 4th-and-26 long bomb attempts. Let's all let Terri rest in peace shall we? She never asked anything of us but a lot of people sure asked a lot of her. A living will isn't just some guy named Will who's still living folks...it's absolutely essential these days. And as soon as I find some free time, I'm going to get one done.

Party Of The Year

Saturday night was my best friend Jerramy's birthday party...number 28...not quite a girl...not yet a woman...but he seems to be coping with the aging process as well as expected. If you're interested in what he did exactly, here are a few pics to pass the time:



As you can see, the gifts were high-quality items found only at the best malls and street corners across the country. The term "I Leave Bite Marks" is actually a half-truth about Jerramy. Although he DOES bite, he does NOT leave marks.

By the time we got there, the party was already in full swing...



...so Jerramy knew what he had to do...LET THE GAMES BEGIN

Drink number one:


Jerramy: "You see, what I do here is...I use the straw by placing it actually IN THE DRINK."

Me: "Um, yeah...I know what a straw's for bro."

Jerramy: "Oh do you now!!!!!"

Me: "Yep"

Jerramy: "Well fine then...EINSTEIN"

Drink number two:


Jerramy: "You're cuttin' ME off ya punk!? How's about I cut YOU off!!"

Michalene: "I'm not the bartender Jerramy."

Branda: "You can take a picture of my nose...but THAT'S ALL."

Drink number three:


You need to know who Norm Peterson from "Cheers" is to appreciate this pic.

Jerramy: "Evenin' everybody."
Bar: "JERRAMY!"

Branda: "What's goin' on Mr. Barker?"
Jerramy: "Let's talk about what's goin' IN Mr. Barker."

Branda: "What are ya up to Jerramy?"
Jerramy: "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

Branda: "How's a beer sound Jerramy?"
Jerramy: "I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

Branda: "What would you say to a beer Jerramy?"
Jerramy: "Daddy wuvs you."

Branda: "What's the story Jerramy?"
Jerramy: "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

Drink number four:


Jerramy: "Just the good ole boys..."

Branda: "...never meanin' no harm..."

Jerramy: "Beats all you ever saw-"

Branda: "-been in trouble with the law-"

Together: "SINCE THE DAY THEY WAS BORN!! Woooo hooo!!!"

Mike: "Hey guys, that was...um...great...but we're getting some complaints from-"

Jerramy: "Makin' their wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!.........."

Branda: "......the only way they know how!!......."

Together: "THAT'S JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE THEN THE LAW WILL ALLOW!!!"

Friends don't let drunk friends sing drunk.

Drink number five:



Jerramy: "You know what I like about drinkin'??"

Mike: "Um, what dude?"

Jerramy: (grabs Mike in a bearhug) "EVERYTHING!!!!!! HA HA HA"

Mike: "Okay, okay...let's save the hugging for another day..."

Jerramy: "You know what's in this drink man?"

Mike: "Oh please don't tell me."

Jerramy: "This is paint thinner, orange juice, coffee, and some kind of stool softener."

Mike: "Good heavens man..."



Yes, they even got me up there!! Their feeble attempts to make fun of my name resulted in...well...something that rhymes with "Mike"...any guesses what it was?

The guy next to me was all "He's got a gun!!" which...when he actually looked and saw that I was merely making a gun with my hand, he calmed down and apologized to the entire bar.

Gee, that sounds delicious Mom...

What the heck ARE these?! I have never even heard of "cheese curds" until we were driving past the A & W store and saw THAT! In fact, the only time I have ever heard the word "curds" was in Little Miss Muffet eating her CURDS and whey...even though no one knew what it was...some thought it was cottage cheese while others thought it was the lumps left over when making cream. Either way it sounded awful! And now...this...also...isn't $3 a little high-priced?

My rake has returned!!...What the...?

It happened again. My rake, which I didn't even know was missing, suddenly appears on my front porch! I mean...what the heck is going on around here!? Either I'm imagining not having any of these things when in fact I did...or I'm the victim of like the worst burglar ever! Well, whatever they're up to, all I have to say is...keep it up! And stay tuned whoever comes across this blog...coming up I have some pictures of the most disgusting thing ever advertised on a fast food marquee sign.

My leaf blower has returned!!

This is one of those things that makes you think divine intervention really does exist. Saturday I was using my leaf blower and when I was done, I set it on the hood of my car and forgot about it until my wife came home that night after seeing The Ring 2 and said "I'm proud of you for putting up your leaf blower!" and I was like "Um...I never put it up..." and I ran outside and it was gone! I couldn't believe someone stole from me! THEN...Sunday night...9pm...the doorbell rings...and I look outside and my leaf blower is just sitting on my front porch. I opened the door and shouted "I ever catch who took it I'll hurt ya!" Probably fell on deaf ears but it massaged my ego. Would LOVE to know who was responsible for all this...

Where Do The Yankees Get All That Cash

DH: Jason Giambi 2005 Salary: $13,428,571

1B: Tino Martinez 2005 Salary: $2,750,000

2B: Tony Womack 2005 Salary: $2,000,000

SS: Derek Jeter 2005 Salary: $19,600,000

3B: Alex Rodriguez 2005 Salary: $25,700,000

LF: Gary Sheffield 2005 Salary: $11,701,090

CF: Bernie Williams 2005 Salary: $12,357,143

RF: Hideki Matsui 2005 Salary: $8,000,000

C: Jorge Posada 2005 Salary: $11,000,000

SP: Mussina/Johnson/Brown/Pavano/Wright 2005 Salary: $66,714,286

Closer: Mariano Rivera 2005 Salary: $10,500,00

This is absurd!! How can one team justify having this many bloated salaries?! Are ya with me?

"The Apprentice"

Well...watched my show last night...ol' John got the heave-ho...he was "The Negotiator" for the celebrities...and, according to the Donald...did a horrible job. That's the price you pay when there's 1st place and 2nd place, right? Somebody wins, somebody loses.

AND NOW...DONALD TRUMP'S SECRETARY ROBIN LISTS THE TOP TEN WAYS TO ANNOUNCE TO THE LOSING TEAM THAT MR. TRUMP IS READY TO SEE THEM:

10. "They're ready for you"
9. "They're ready for you now"
8. "Mr. Trump is ready to see you now"
7. "It's time to go into the boardroom now"
6. "They're ready for you in the boardroom now"
5. "They're expecting you in the boardroom now"
4. "Time to go see Mr. Trump"
3. "They're ready to see you now"
2. "Mr. Trump is expecting you"

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO ANNOUNCE TO THE LOSING TEAM THAT MR. TRUMP IS READY TO SEE THEM NOW:

1. "Time to go get fired...tee hee"

Steroids didn't help me...nah!!

And now, Barry Bonds' press conference on the accusations of steroid use:

"For the last time, I didn't know what my trainer was giving me!"
"He said it was a kind of balm...or lotion...I forgot what he told me..."
"I don't know how my size doubled but I know that steroids had NOTHING to do with it!"
"Alright, that's it! All you mother f***ers can get out of my training room right now! It's time for my...balm..."

This...isn't...happening...

Denise...Charlie...WHAT HAPPENED?! You two were the epitome' of a happy marriage! Had a kid, another on the way...and then this happens. From what I can tell Denise instigated the whole thing, citing "irreconcilable differences"...which means either Charlie cheated on her...which I cannot believe would even happen because geez...look at her!...or it means he really pissed her off with something. Speaking as a married man I know I get the 3rd degree when I leave a Little Debbie wrapper in the living room...and my wife just stares at me...wondering why I would just blatantly leave it there. Now I hope she wouldn't fly off the handle and call up her lawyer over it but it really does annoy her. Now I could just as easily throw them away when I'm done with my snack...however...I AM a guy...and one of the guy rules is letting something boil over to the point that irreversible damage is done...(sigh)...eh, what are ya gonna do? I hope that Denise and Charlie can stay cordial to each other for the children's sake. So sad when kids get caught in their parent's problems because a very small part of them thinks it's their fault.

The Kids Don't Have To Die!!

Today is the day! If you were sentenced to Death Row for a crime you commited while under the age of eighteen you are no longer on Death Row!! Isn't that great news? Actually...no...it isn't...this is a classic example of not giving teenagers enough credit for what they do. Do the crime, do the time. I think if a kid is going to murder someone they should have to carry around a picture of their victim for the rest of their life. If they are released on parole and they are found without it their parole should be revoked immediately and tossed back into prison for life. Seriously.